How do you strengthen a tyrant? You feed him, of course. And this is true for a tyrant living among us, as much as it is for a tyrant living within us—and a tyrant living within us is something all of us must deal with (if a tyrant living within is news to you, please see part I of this article).

As we saw in our last installment, this inner tyrant is the feeling of ugh that pushes us around in virtually every area of our lives. It’s the master that drives us to buy what we buy, to go where we go, and to act how we act. It’s the bully that convinces us that things are not alright. It’s the terrorist that holds hostage our feeling of wellbeing to get what it wants.

It works like this: the tyrant decides it wants a new mountain bike (or a shirt, or a car, or a ride on the space shuttle,) and it puts on the squeeze, it activates the feeling of ugh. This squeeze is comprised of a familiar pattern of sensations—tension in the chest and heaviness in the belly are two common examples—and in this case, they are the very same pattern of sensations we conventionally call desire. And it’s these sensations that are the tyrant’s way of saying “feed me.”

And so feed him we do. For somewhere along the line we’ve come to believe that feeling these sensations is not alright, that these feelings of heaviness and tightness are ruining our lives, that they must be extinguished at any cost. And there is, we have found, one surefire way to extinguish them (or so we think)—and that’s by feeding the tyrant what he’s hungry for.

At first it might be just a nibble. We eye the bike shop as we drive by, we search the internet for the perfect make, we consider colors, compare styles, and consult friends. Each and every one of these acts is a tidbit of sustenance for the tyrant and his squeeze. Think of them as appetizers that whet the tyrant’s appetite for the real meal—the bicycle—all the while providing energy and nourishment that embolden tyrant’s squeeze. Not surprisingly, the more the tyrant eats the stronger and more powerful his squeeze becomes.

As the squeeze grows, our nibbles turn into mouthfuls: we dream bikes, doodle bikes, and see bikes at every turn. With visions of pedals under our feet, wind in our hair, and trails under our tires, we stop by the bike shop to ogle and touch and ride. Nibble after nibble, mouthful after mouthful, we feed the tyrant until at long last it gets so strong that we can’t help but bend to its will. Out comes the credit card and we get what we crave.

But here’s the thing, despite appearances, what we crave isn’t a wheeled piece of metal. The truth is that none of this is really about a bike, not really. It’s about something much more subtle. While it may seem like you’re buying a bike, a rideable piece of hardware is not really what you are after, what you really want is peace, ease, relief from the discomfort of the squeeze.

You see your inner tyrant has kidnapped your wellbeing and is holding it ransom until you give it what it wants. It’s not you that wants a bicycle, not at all, it’s the tyrant. All you want is for the tyrant to release his grip on you, to return your peace, your ease—the bicycle is just the ransom that must be paid to have your wellbeing restored. Buy the bike, and the tyrant calls off the squeeze—real reason you decided to part with your cash.

Paying the ransom is our usual recipe for wellbeing each and every time the tyrant puts on his familiar squeeze. We feed the tyrant so we can feel better–which is what we really want despite the mind’s story about a bicycle or a shirt or a ride on the space shuttle. Freedom from the squeeze is what we secretly crave and freedom is something for which we’ll eagerly do most anything.

And here’s where it gets interesting.

While it’s true that we all long for freedom, the freedom we crave in life is really no kind of freedom at all. For if we were to ask the average wo/man on the street “what does freedom look like to you?”, we’d likely get an answer rife with images of having enough money, enough time, enough power, or enough control in our lives. Enough is something that each and every one of us wants, which begs the question: how much is enough?

Enough is a mercurial concept. Ask twelve people how much is enough and you’ll likely get twelve different answers. This is largely due to the fact that we don’t really know what enough means. The fact is that enough has nothing to do with enough money to pay your bills, enough time to go to your kid’s recital, or enough control to get your neighbor’s dog to crap in its own yard. Get enough to achieve any one of those things and you’ll see. Before long, enough will no longer be enough, and you’ll need more (money, time, power, or control) in order to deal with the next thing. Quite simply, enough very rarely is enough. But why?

It’s the work of our old friend the tyrant. The tyrant has an insatiable appetite, and the more we feed him the stronger he gets; the stronger he gets the more hungry he gets; the more hungry he gets, the stronger his squeeze; the stronger his squeeze the more desperate we feel; the more desperate we feel the more we feed him. It’s a self-reinforcing, ever-tightening spiral that perpetually spins us toward more and more and more, but never enough.

So to be clear, when we say we want enough, we are really saying we want enough to feed the tyrant—ongoingly and everlastingly, no matter what he wants. The kind of freedom that we are struggling after is thus no real freedom at all. The freedom to be able to give the tyrant what he wants at any moment, in any circumstance, is simply the freedom to be a slave. And a perfectly obedient slave at that.

Take a look at your own life and you’ll see how this pattern plays out, both episodically and generally. Episodically, watch how when the tyrant decides that it wants something, the squeeze begins. Notice how you tend to react to the squeeze by contemplating how you will pay the ransom to get the tyrant what he wants, all so you can again feel at ease and fulfilled.

Generally, notice how much of your life is engineered around having enough—enough money, time, power, and control—to feed your tyrant no matter what he decides to want. The freedom that we are chasing is sadly our complete and utter enslavement to the ongoing demands of the tyrant.

So what then? Is that it? Is there no other alternative than to scurry after more, to struggle to have enough, to continue to play the role of dutiful servant to the endless demands of the tyrant? Thankfully there is a way to get off the treadmill, to declare your independence, and to truly be free from the tyrant. And as I mentioned in our last installment, it’s called peaceful coexistence.

But before we get to that, let’s review the work you should have done from last time. At this point you should have:

Verified - how the inner tyrant, the squeeze, the feeling of ugh, is at the heart of all your disturbances.

Identified - the size, shape, and location of the tyrant’s squeeze. Noticing its different faces (anger vs. worry vs. fear) and have tuned into the intensity of the experience.

Inquired - into how is this mild pattern of sensations has such power over your life.

This is the work that sets the stage for your independence from the tyrant. By accurately perceiving the tyrant and his squeeze for what they are you are poised to free yourself from your habitual unconscious reactions to them. Peaceful coexistence is the technique we use to help you to live with the tyrant, instead of living for the tyrant.

Peaceful coexistence invites us to recognize how the tyrant really has no power over us, but rather it is our habitual unconscious reactions which are the real culprit here. In other words, through peaceful coexistence we seek to transform our relationship with the tyrant and his squeeze. Here are the steps:

Identify –the size, shape, and location of the squeeze, of the feeling of ugh. Forget the notion of the tyrant, forget the object of desire, forget how you’ve dealt with the squeeze in the past. Instead, focus all your attention on the simple pattern of sensations that is the squeeze.

Feel – the tyrant’s squeeze, but perfectly free from any ideas or labels (e.g. desire, worry, anger, frustration). Just connect with the simple intensity of sensation as you breathe into it and feel.

Ask – If I really, really had to (like if someone offered me one million dollars), could I relax with this simple pattern of sensations for ten minutes. Could I let these simple sensations be, while I relax and remain unbothered?

Relax – Give up your usual way of dealing with the squeeze. Just breathe deeply and let each exhalation help you to soften and make space around the sensations. Try this for three minutes.

Perform the above steps with focus and intention, and you’ll likely be surprised at how well the technique can work. And by the way, if you’re not in any way motivated by the idea of one million dollars, substitute food for the homeless, world peace, or a ride on the space shuttle—whatever would motivate you to make your absolute best effort.

The idea here is to prove that you do have the capacity to relax with the squeeze, to peacefully coexist with the tyrant, even for a few minutes. Once that is established, you simply need to invest in expanding that capacity incrementally over time. And remember to start with the small stuff.

Just as you wouldn’t try to lift 300 pounds your first day at the gym, start with the minor squeezes the tyrant places on you. Those relating to traffic, or minor food craving and the like and little by little work yourself up to the heavy lifting of life like health challenges and relationships. Before you know it, your tyrant will be no more bothersome than the chirping of the birds outside your window.

Blessings to all,

E

Copyright 2010, Eric Walrabenstein, all rights reserved.